Whilst doing my usual twittering on my Twitter feed this morning, an alarming series of headline presented themselves to me; “Woman Hospitalised for 4 Days After Wearing Skinny Jeans and Squatting” was Cosmo’s choice, whereas Dazed & Confused went with the slightly more sober “Doctors warn skinny jeans are seriously bad for your health”. What the frick?!

To be honest I didn’t take it too seriously until I saw that BBC was covering it as well, after talking to Dr Sarah Jarvis, who is a GP and for some reason highly qualified to comment on the risks of skinny jeans. Turns out the whole thing kicked off Down Under with a 35-year old woman who developed compartment syndrome, a condition caused by bleeding or swelling within the muscles. According to an article in the Journal of Neurology, Neurosurgery and Psychiatry, this condition was worsened by the skinny jeans. Tres confus? Kinda losing interest? Never cared in the first place because you’ve been pioneering flares since the 70s ended?
You shouldn’t be because apparently this is legit. The lady in question had been squatting throughout the day in her skinny jeans whilst helping a friend move house. Later whilst walking home, the woman fell and couldn’t get up; “She was stranded for hours before she managed to get help and get to a hospital.” Once there, she was cut out of the devil jeans and diagnosed as buying the wrong size.
Since the news broke there have been health warnings from officials, generally stating that yes, skinny jeans can cause problems – these included twisted testicles (presumably only in men), and the exacerbation of heartburn and urinary tract infections. However, Dr Jarvis says everyone needs to pipe the fuck down because it’s quite unlikely any of us will actually die from our skinny jeans, and advises us not to go to the gym in them. This is no problem for me as I would NEVER do this – I’ve never been to the gym in my life, but for all you gym bunnies out there, remember to double check down below next time to hop on the treadmill!
Anyway, even if it was serious, would we stop? I don’t think so. So ingrained are we in the skinny jean culture, wearing anything remotely loose feels like walking through a tent. When asked, my friends were pretty clear as to where they stood. “Well no, I wouldn’t stop because it’s not as if we are all going to fucking die now because one person was an anomaly. And was wearing tight ass jeans”. Alex is clearly on side with Kate Moss and the rest of us, and Elsa couldn’t even believe it was a news story; “Mate, mine are already in the bin”. 
Just in case this tragic case has you shaken, here’s some alternatives to skin-tight denim. Give those hammies a break, yah?
Tom xx

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